Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You Might Also Like
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]