My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I want this so bad
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
how long have you had this for?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second