My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
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Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…