It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
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Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
So that’s what we looked like?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have