I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
British websites use biscuits.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.