INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
incredible book dedication
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
drew a comic about my origin story
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet