I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?