Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Is anyone gonna tell them?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.