My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
This week’s mood.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.