Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I can’t be the only one 😂
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.