There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
You Might Also Like
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]