“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
🍛
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…