Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
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People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.