*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*