No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine