*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
You Might Also Like
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.