8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
You Might Also Like
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
#catsoftwitter
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good