I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My plans: 2020:
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Facebook Twitter
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.