I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
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*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
This is sending me to another galaxy
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection