I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.