Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Looking at you, Jesus.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.