Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: