The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.