[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
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I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Broom by every window for quick escape.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Just a reminder, folks:
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
The Assassin.
Oh boy, $150,000!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.