This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Get off my horse you stupid moon
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.