NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
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Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
this article brought to you by lions
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish