My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Cause of death: Zumba
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.