This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
#Caturday
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond