So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
A choir of Spring onions
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*jingles half the way*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)