11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
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On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?