You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
cyclists
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.