”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
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saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
SCARY COSTUME
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
my friends when i can’t do basic math
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
May have had one breakfast too many
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.