me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”