My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻