I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Breaking news:
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
thinking about a very short hotdog
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
The news in a nutshell.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score