Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You Might Also Like
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare