BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.