When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
scared to check what name she chose
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.