me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
You Might Also Like
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
my dad has had enough
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
mechanics be like
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.