Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar