“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
You Might Also Like
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
They’re the worst 😩
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.