PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.