Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..