*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
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McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!