I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”