I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
United Steaks of America
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”