And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Check your privilege
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
It has been 3 years since Monday.