“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
You Might Also Like
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.