Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Bond. Trauma bond.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body