Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.